Fathiat Shittu:

Hear Me

It only took five seconds. We were talking and laughing and having fun and I thought, “Wow! This is the most genuine person I've ever met. He makes me feel so warm and happy and all those shitty little love songs make sense, and the way he looks at me, you would feel like the most important person in the world. I felt cared for...listened to.” Then, he put his hand on my thigh. I felt the reverberations of his touch throughout the rest of my body like a chill. I felt the ambience shift and I saw through his facade. I looked at him and saw that it was all bullshit. He moved his hands higher as he looked at me and kept talking. I tried to…. I mean I wanted to move away but…. I felt weak. This couldn’t be happening. Then, he kissed me and I felt numb… I didn’t want this. How did this go from talking to just… This!?

He could tell I didn’t want this, right? I’m even not kissing back. He has to know that I don’t want this. He touches me…I feel him everywhere. He’s so rough my chest hurts, I feel dirty and helpless. He pulls away and pulls my shorts down. I say “No”. I know I say it, but he doesn’t stop. He is supposed to stop. Why does he keep going? Maybe, he didn’t hear. “No, wait I feel weird, I don’t feel okay.” He says “it’s okay, you want this”. He can't possibly… No, I don’t want this. I feel nauseous. I need air… This cannot be happening, please. I feel the tears burn my eyes as I feel my chest aching, and my stomach feels weird. Why is he still going? “Wait, no stop! I don’t want to do this.” He turns me around like he knows it’s wrong, “Don’t fucking look at me slut!” he says. He’s sober and he does it anyway. He feels so heavy on top of me, and I just keep counting and counting until it’s over. 489 seconds later he got off me smiling like he was proud of what he’d done, and said he had fun. that begging turned him on. “Look what you made me do,” he said to me and then that was it.

We talked about nothing, he put his hand on my thigh and kissed me. I begged him, I even said no. He violated me. No, HE raped ME… He made me vulnerable and took advantage of me. How could he? I trusted him, maybe I led him on? Maybe it was... No, it doesn’t matter what I said. He traumatized ME, he hurt me, this is no way my fault. I did not want this or ask for this. He is a fucked up piece of shit rapist…he raped me, and he took something so good and beautiful and soul connecting and turned it into something disgusting, dirty and tainted… I will never forget this it’s with me forever, but I’ll never let that define me. I am a fucking survivor.

Nefi Swaby:

A child's place

Don't grow up to fast

But fix up before the world consumes you

Baba do you love me

You scare me

fear your iron grip of morals

 fear your eyes

 fear what's behind them when you see me

I was hurt

He picked me up

A friend of yours surely is a friend of mine

He was no friend

"I watch you"

"You're so beautiful"

"Who are you dressing up for?"

No friend of mine 

He pulled me in the back of the car 

He took my pants off

I slapped him 

He was rougher 

He put his hand on my mouth

Are you mad at me Baba?

Did I not fight enough?

Is this a child's place?

I wanted to tell you 

But I just went to room and cry

I waited for him to leave

Leave whatever is left of a safe space 

I tried to tell you

You screamed 

You hit me

"If my father won't believe me, no one will" 

It happened again when we went to his house for dinner

If I screamed would you have come?

My soul has left my body 

He sees me in my aunts house

He looks at me like a tiger at a new rabbit hide

I ran

He caught me by my hair

He did it again

My essence has been left of three pairs of underwear 

Everyday I felt like I was walking on eggshells

Eggshells on family disapproval

Shame

To go to a courtroom and have the eyes of strangers be intimate with my trauma

My father is no man of emotion 

To see him cry 

To watch the soul of a steal wall break

It was only a fraction of what I felt 

“Did you enjoy it?”

“Are you sure he wasn’t tickling you?”

Since when did a tickle fight involve taking my clothes off

To let someone rot for making someone else feel like a corpse

Is unreasonable if they aren’t from here

Unfortunately a restraining order isn’t enough for him to stare at me while at school

He’s gone now

His decisions linger on me like a wisp in the wind

He’s somewhere out there

Free

Free to take innocence

I’m not free

Every time someone touches me

There’s a them

Never a me

No way there will be a we

In a way, I’ll always be in a child’s place

The shell of trauma and disconnect from any other moment of life

Nefi Swaby:

Wonder

Emine Adilak:

a list of things i hold to a high value

Broken clocks

Broken minds

Broken spirit

Look forward to good days

Each day feels like a looped siren 

He became a scream

I became a banshee

I'm drunk on inure

A familiar feeling 

That shouldn't be familiar 

I've been used so much

It feels nice,

I'll lay myself in a sheet of this undesirable skin

Because I will end up hurt in the end

I said to hell with him so many times

But my hell was made for two

A fucked up paradox

An unfulfilling dream

A disappointing nightmare 

fleeting serendipity

Rekindle toxic pillow talk

Revive abusive piano chords

Waiting for something

I despise it

I hate love

I hate sex

I hate the idea of having someone seeing me cry

I hate the thought of someone loving me

I still hope

Ponder the idea of someone thinking I’m pretty

Would be nice to have someone to talk to

To tell all the useless information I have in the back on my head

To tell all my dreams and aspirations to

Wondering if maybe one day my life will feel like the ending of a disney movie

It’s like refilling a promise I had to my nine year old self

Telling me that I would be like Tiana and have a Naveen

Or a Rapunzel with a Eugine 

How would I react

We’re more like mother gothel at the bottom of the tower

Rotting and miserable 

i find comfort in the little things
the things no one exactly pays attention to
like how our stomachs flutter with butterflies when we start to develop an attraction to someone
or how we blow on dandelion puffs
and birthday candles
to make a wish

we stain our cheeks,
lips,
eyelids,
with pretty colours because we like the way they look and our stomachs

make special little noises to remind us to nourish our bodies

we swim around in big holes filled with water purely for our own enjoyment
as well as get drunk off of old fruit
or smoke dried leaves for our pleasure alone

we love meeting new people and experiencing new things so much so,
that we learn new languages to interact with a broader spectrum of individuals

we wrap our arms around people
and press our mouths against each other as a sign of affection
and love
and when our bodies can no longer contain our immense happiness we let it out with laughter, letting others enjoy it too

we gather in stadiums
and around stages
to enjoy and appreciate all art forms creating pure ecstasy

i can even find comfort in the way we pierce holes into our skin to decorate ourselves with little ornaments

even in death when we bury our loved ones in the ground so that they may reconnect with the earth

what a beautiful sentiment
that something so miniscule
could be major through another’s lens

the small patches of grass between our cement sidewalks give me hope

hope that even within a hostile environment
one still has the ability to
blossom

- so much is good. hold on.